H7 Story: Oneness in Marriage
“How do you feel about becoming empty nesters?” was a common question Mark and I received back in 2017 leading up to our last child heading to college. We honestly wondered: would this be a sweet season or would the empty house reveal cracks in the foundation of our marriage that a busy life with kids masked and could no longer be ignored?
Through God’s grace and kindness, early marital struggles had largely been overcome and we were getting along pretty well. But a deeper look revealed that we had settled for a marriage that was more like a good business partnership. We each fulfilled our responsibilities but our marriage lacked depth and oneness.
But God wanted so much more! With perfect timing, FCC began re:generation that fall. Working through the 12 step discipleship process helped us see the root cause of some of our past pain and struggles. And then, He used re|engage in 2018 to reveal hurts and bad patterns in our marriage that still needed to be addressed. Here’s a little bit of our story…
Beth Anne: The Holy Spirit revealed ways in which I had been hurting Mark and our marriage by consistently seeking my own needs above his. I had selfishly taken my introvert needs to an extreme, which made him feel unloved and undesired. I had too often allowed my role as mom to take precedence to my role as wife, which made him feel unimportant. I also saw how the tone I often took in our conversations was impatient and condescending, which made him feel disrespected, and that my lack of verbal affirmation communicated that I took him for granted.
I’m thankful for how both programs taught me how to work through the peacemaking process in ways I hadn’t really understood before. Making amends is so much more than just saying, “I’m sorry!” and forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting (or even reconciliation, although that should be our desire) but at it’s core, it means releasing our right to be repaid and entrusting justice to God. With God’s help, I repented and asked Mark for forgiveness. As the Lord helps us keep short accounts with one another, and as He continues to work out the selfishness in our hearts so that we are learning to truly desire each other’s best (Philippians 2:3-4), we are seeing the walls between us torn down, enabling us to experience a depth of emotional intimacy we desired but just didn’t have early on.
Mark: During re:gen and re|engage I identified a root issue of my resentment toward Beth Anne over the years. It came from an expectation that was just plain wrong—that my true joy, happiness, and satisfaction could be found in my marriage. In Psalm 63 David said of God, “Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you…I will be fully satisfied as with the richest of foods...” The truth is, I was meant to find my joy and satisfaction in God alone, not Beth Anne. I realized that my resentment was because I was looking to a relationship on earth to bring me the joy and happiness only God was meant to provide. Effectively, I had made an idol of my marriage, which put unnecessary and unhealthy expectations on Beth Anne. Now, I strive to daily choose to be satisfied and content in the Lord, and not let the circumstances of my marriage dictate my happiness. As I have looked to God as the source of my true joy, instead of my marriage, it has given me a foundation of peace and contentment that I never had before. It’s also relieved a lot of the pressure I put on Beth Anne, which only served to push her away. In fact, it’s actually been easier for me to love her unselfishly, now that I don’t expect her to be my ultimate source of happiness in life.
Together: When our last child left home, our main goal as a couple was to like each other well enough so that we’d have fun being empty nesters. But God has graciously given us more than that, largely because of the blessing of being able to go through re:gen and re|engage. Why? Because one of the key ways God brings healing and oneness to marriages is by seeking godly counsel in the context of trusted Christian community. Proverbs 19:20 says, “Listen to advice and accept instruction, that you may gain wisdom in the future.” Isolation and pride and insecurities only lead to pain and hurt and resentment. We know because that was our pattern for so many years. But there's hope! That vicious cycle can be broken when we admit our struggles, humbly reach out for help, and submit to God’s will, spoken through His Word and other believers.
Whatever stage of marriage you’re in, whether you have kids, don’t have kids, they’re home or gone, we pray you will take advantage of these two discipleship programs to become the man and woman, husband and wife, God created you to be! Re|engage begins Monday, August 12. Sign up at fccgreene.org/marriage. To decide if re:gen is the better next step, check out fccgreene.org/regen.
Through God’s grace and kindness, early marital struggles had largely been overcome and we were getting along pretty well. But a deeper look revealed that we had settled for a marriage that was more like a good business partnership. We each fulfilled our responsibilities but our marriage lacked depth and oneness.
But God wanted so much more! With perfect timing, FCC began re:generation that fall. Working through the 12 step discipleship process helped us see the root cause of some of our past pain and struggles. And then, He used re|engage in 2018 to reveal hurts and bad patterns in our marriage that still needed to be addressed. Here’s a little bit of our story…
Beth Anne: The Holy Spirit revealed ways in which I had been hurting Mark and our marriage by consistently seeking my own needs above his. I had selfishly taken my introvert needs to an extreme, which made him feel unloved and undesired. I had too often allowed my role as mom to take precedence to my role as wife, which made him feel unimportant. I also saw how the tone I often took in our conversations was impatient and condescending, which made him feel disrespected, and that my lack of verbal affirmation communicated that I took him for granted.
I’m thankful for how both programs taught me how to work through the peacemaking process in ways I hadn’t really understood before. Making amends is so much more than just saying, “I’m sorry!” and forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting (or even reconciliation, although that should be our desire) but at it’s core, it means releasing our right to be repaid and entrusting justice to God. With God’s help, I repented and asked Mark for forgiveness. As the Lord helps us keep short accounts with one another, and as He continues to work out the selfishness in our hearts so that we are learning to truly desire each other’s best (Philippians 2:3-4), we are seeing the walls between us torn down, enabling us to experience a depth of emotional intimacy we desired but just didn’t have early on.
Mark: During re:gen and re|engage I identified a root issue of my resentment toward Beth Anne over the years. It came from an expectation that was just plain wrong—that my true joy, happiness, and satisfaction could be found in my marriage. In Psalm 63 David said of God, “Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you…I will be fully satisfied as with the richest of foods...” The truth is, I was meant to find my joy and satisfaction in God alone, not Beth Anne. I realized that my resentment was because I was looking to a relationship on earth to bring me the joy and happiness only God was meant to provide. Effectively, I had made an idol of my marriage, which put unnecessary and unhealthy expectations on Beth Anne. Now, I strive to daily choose to be satisfied and content in the Lord, and not let the circumstances of my marriage dictate my happiness. As I have looked to God as the source of my true joy, instead of my marriage, it has given me a foundation of peace and contentment that I never had before. It’s also relieved a lot of the pressure I put on Beth Anne, which only served to push her away. In fact, it’s actually been easier for me to love her unselfishly, now that I don’t expect her to be my ultimate source of happiness in life.
Together: When our last child left home, our main goal as a couple was to like each other well enough so that we’d have fun being empty nesters. But God has graciously given us more than that, largely because of the blessing of being able to go through re:gen and re|engage. Why? Because one of the key ways God brings healing and oneness to marriages is by seeking godly counsel in the context of trusted Christian community. Proverbs 19:20 says, “Listen to advice and accept instruction, that you may gain wisdom in the future.” Isolation and pride and insecurities only lead to pain and hurt and resentment. We know because that was our pattern for so many years. But there's hope! That vicious cycle can be broken when we admit our struggles, humbly reach out for help, and submit to God’s will, spoken through His Word and other believers.
Whatever stage of marriage you’re in, whether you have kids, don’t have kids, they’re home or gone, we pray you will take advantage of these two discipleship programs to become the man and woman, husband and wife, God created you to be! Re|engage begins Monday, August 12. Sign up at fccgreene.org/marriage. To decide if re:gen is the better next step, check out fccgreene.org/regen.